Originally I planned on titling this blog post, “Mourning for The Past.” Kind of morbid, right? I’ve been mulling over so many thoughts over the past few weeks. I’m almost unbearably sentimental about everything lately. A song, a smell, a funny joke, driving by an old personal landmark. Hell, I’m even sentimental about saying goodbye to fictional characters in a finale on a TV show.
This post is raw, unedited and unfiltered. The thoughts I share may not all come out in beautiful sentences, but they’re thoughts I just want to get out on paper (or screen).
If you know me on a personal level you know that I am in tune with my emotions. My family has always referred to it as “dramatic” but I think it’s evolved into something a little bit more adult as I’ve gotten older – this is what I tell myself, anyway. Sometimes it’s scary to feel like this. Feeling every feeling so heavily creates a vulnerability that I don’t intend to share with everyone, but even without sharing it verbally I know that it is shared in actions or body language.
These intensified emotions and sentimental feelings stem from knowing that my life is about to change. Even if the change is thrilling or exciting… it is still change. I am a creature of habit, as many of us are. More than that, I have a tendency to form attachments to the people in my life somewhat easily. I spend my days with the same people – professors, classmates, coworkers, clients at work, friends. Monday through Friday and into the weekend these people are my life.
My last day at the bank is next Friday. I’m so ready for it, but then again I’m really not. When you spend more time with your co-workers than your own family and under the roof of your work place than your home it’s hard not to build an attachment. I won’t miss the daily frustrations or the rushed drives from home to school to work to cram in a 15 minute lunch before clocking in, but I will genuinely miss my little family at BOK. I found one of my best friends at work and I’ve built a handful of relationships with my clients that I’ll never forget. There are countless inside jokes and memories that I know I won’t ever get to live again and there are probably people who I see on a daily basis now who I’ll never see again. Working at the bank has been a big part of my life and (whether I like it or not) it has become my second home – a place where I feel confident and comfortable to be myself around people who care about me.
Then there’s graduation. I didn’t know what I was getting into when I transferred to UCO. I had no idea if I would create meaningful relationships or even make real friends. I really just came for A degree – ANY degree. I happened to pick a major that I fell in love with and that I’m extremely passionate about. I’ve found people who mean so much to me and who have changed my perspective and opened my mind to new thoughts. I’m thankful for those who challenge my beliefs and encourage me to be a better, kinder, and a more open person. I can’t believe it’s already time for me to leave. Don’t get me wrong – I’m ready to be done, I’m ready to graduate. But I enjoy learning. I will miss the daily brain stimulation I get from my peers or professors who encourage me to ask questions, speak up, and sometimes to know when to keep my mouth shut. Knowing that in a month I may not speak to or see these people who are such a big part of my life now, really upsets me. I know it shouldn’t. I know it’s just part of life. I know that after time it’ll fade, but sometimes I can’t help but think about how what I’m doing now will eventually become a memory and I can’t get this time back. Then I’m mad at myself for ever taking a moment for granted, or for turning down an opportunity to spend time with a friend.
I’ll hear a song that my mom used to play when she would drive me around from place to place when I was growing up. That was just life then. I never thought that it would develop in my mind as a memory. But I’ll hear a song (usually something Fleetwood Mac or Elton John) and it immediately takes me back to that time. I feel nostalgic and sometimes sad because I know there will never be another opportunity in my life where my mom and I ride around in the car together every day.
Or even my apartment. “My first place.” I know that in just a couple of months I’m moving out of this place that I’ve turned into a home. I didn’t think an apartment could feel like a home. I always just assumed it would be a place to sleep and check-in between obligations, but I love my little space. I love coming home to put on my comfies, cuddle up on my couch with my couch blanket (yes this is what I call it) and veg out on Netflix.
I don’t want this post to come off as all negative. I’m very excited about the future and eager to begin a new adventure, but I think it’s okay for me to have all of these feelings. I think it’s okay to feel sad that I’m letting go of big parts of my life that make me happy and have created comfort and security. I think it’s okay to mourn the friendships that are likely to dwindle in the coming months and the moments that will become memories. It’s life and I’m ready to live it – through the good, the bad, the ugly and whatever else decides to show up.
I hope that if anyone I’ve been close with at any point in my life reads this, you’ll know that I’m really thankful for whatever piece of my life you were a part of. I still think about friends from elementary school all the way through high school. Any negative feelings about past friends, old drama or old boyfriends (lol) have faded and I’m at a place in my life where I can look back and enjoy the memories without feeling the baggage or sadness of hurt and disappointment that comes with the growing pains of becoming an adult.
I care deeply about people and sometimes that makes life hard. But sometimes caring deeply creates unforgettable relationships with unforgettable people. I guess I’d say that the reward is worth the risk when it comes to caring deeply.
Now that I’ve gotten out all of my sentimental thoughts maybe I can move on to something fun like a make-up review next? Haha. As always, thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts.
That’s what’s in my jar.